In the midst of a world economic crisis, millions of families will be challenged in ways that can cause significant negative effects to their lives. As a Marriage and Family Therapist here in South Florida, economic stress is one of the main reasons why a couple or family will initiate therapy with me.

Viktor Gecas, professor of sociology and head of the Department of Sociology at Purdue University notes that “research shows that this kind of stress can lead to changes in family members and in family dynamics, such as husbands becoming irritable and wives becoming depressed, as well as more extreme problems such as mental health issues, alcoholism, drug abuse and family violence.”

· Start a new hobby with the entire family,even one as simple as working on puzzles together.

· Prepare fresh, healthy meals.

· Learn to slow down and remember it may not be that important.

Using this time to take advantage of the resources available to your family will help get you on track for the long run during this hopefully short economic downturn.

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Therapists seem to agree that couples usually head for therapy as a last ditch effort when there’s no hope left.  That makes Couples Therapy very difficult and pretty much a losing proposition for most couples counselors. Could this be why divorce/dissolution rates are so high despite the huge number of Therapists available?  Couples that want to try Coaching tend to think traditional therapy isn’t for them because they just want to learn how to get along, communicate, end the boredom or reignite the excitement and passion they used to have. “It’s really just a difference of personal opinion about needing help that determines which type of helper they look for” Cox says “But then the mindset a person has when they enter into counseling is a big factor too, so if they believe they will get help and that the helper is able to help them- they will probably succeed.”

Cox says, “There really are a few key elements that when present in a relationship that seems to be failing or difficult, can make all the difference.  Relationship isn’t really all about liking the same things or being the same as or looking as good as when you first met.  It’s more about who each of you are now that will allow a professional to successfully help you save and restructure your relationship.”

Here are the six key elements that must be present when you go for couples counseling, according to Cox and additionally some alternate ways to seek help.(Not in any priority order - remember all 6 are usually needed.)

• Both partners want to fix, save or improve the relationship.
• Both individuals are willing to do the work required.
• Patience.  “It didn’t get this way overnight … it won’t likely be healed in one session - or even one predictable period of time.” Cox admonishes.
• Proximity.  “Ya gotta be in the same locale, folks” Cox chided with a smile, “Security is borne of safety and safety is borne of intimacy and that includes regular, frequent seeing, touching, smelling, impromptu sharing and interaction that can only be done when both parties stand on the same ground, physically.”
• Shared Life and Personal Values.
• Both partners sincerely desiring happiness and fulfillment for each other and themselves.

Some of the choices of helpers a couple has are: 1) A Psychotherapist specializing in Couples Counseling; 2) A Life Coach or Relationship Specialist Coach; 3) The Clergy of your mutually subscribed to religious community; 4) A Therapeutic Couples Group; 5) A Couples Encounter/Workshop/Retreat event.  “Depending on what the issues are and how determined the couple is in getting and using help, any of these may work” states Cox.  “I like Couples groups because they reduce the intensity of being watched as someone works on personal stuff and they surround couples with the compatible support of others doing the same work.  In my couples groups the intimate revelations and deep work take place in the privacy of the couple’s home, but in the weekly group meeting they can share results and challenges with others they know are dealing with similar stuff”. The thing that will matter most though - in addition to the 6 elements, of course - is knowing how to look for a helper Cox warns.

“A relationship helper should first and foremost be someone that both partners feel safe, heard, and acknowledged by.  If one partner feels uncomfortable or favored, or in any way less than relaxed and in good hands, the potential is very high for short and unsuccessful treatment.”  Cox went on to suggest that meeting with a helper for a brief, usually free consultation or assessment is the way to get a real feel for who might be the best fit for the issues and personalities involved.  Most professional helpers are glad to do this service because it is their true intent to actually help and if they are good at it, they will have gained the confidence and trust of a new client.  If there is a mis-fit of any kind, they can make an informed professional referral to a colleague who will surely do the same at some point, so a free consultation is win-win and fair to expect.  One very important thing to keep in mind when considering the options, is that although a licensed Therapist can do both therapy and coaching within their scope of competency and practice, a Life Coach is not trained or licensed to do therapy. That doesn’t mean that Coaching and other types of counsel are less-than or not as good, it just means that carefully looking for all the qualifiers and credentials is important when you trust someone to help you make major changes in your life.

Cox signed off saying “Remember… if we were meant to be alone, there wouldn’t be so many of us here!  Call me!  Together we can figure it out.”

Stanlee Panelle Cox, M.A., Marriage and Family Therapist Registered Intern provides Couples Counseling and Individual Psychotherapy at Morbrook Institute and Camarillo Health Care District in Camarillo under the Supervision of Lynn M. Jones, Ph.D.  She is currently taking applications for a limited space, Couple’s Enrichment Group based on Harville Hendrix’s Imago Short Term Couples Therapy and his book “Getting the Love You Want”.

You can find out more about what Couples Counselor Stanlee Cox recommends to couples looking for relationship counseling by contacting her on the web at www.LifeEmpoweringTherapy.com or by calling her at Morbrook Institute in Camarillo (805) 484-7868 or (805) 760-0134.  She will be happy to make recommendations or appointments for a free consultation on the subject.

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Relationships can be the most profound or most mundane experience. Relationship with another can be a place to suffer and blame, or to thrive and grow.

It all comes down to choice.

Read on if you have the courage and curiosity to live life more fully and effectively.

The relationship you have with anyone else out there (whether with a lover, friend, family member, neighbour, co-worker, boss, client, employee, child, parent, etc.) will always have an aspect (at least one!) that reflects you back to you. The choice is what you do with this.

What does that mean?

It means everyone else is a mirror to us, as we are to everyone else. So when you get upset because someone does or says something, or doesn’t do or say something, you have an opportunity to either grow from it, or stay in the upset and be a victim of the circumstance. I highly recommend doing the work to grow, as the victimized life sucks big time, and is the automatic, yes automatic, cost of letting others upset you.

You don’t like that? I know of some nice caves out in New Mexico where you can hide out and avoid life.

For those who would rather live in the world, and not hide out, here’s where the rubber meets the road.

When you get upset by another’s action or inaction, you can ask yourself some questions:

“What is about this person and their action that upsets me?” Answer this without making them wrong!

“What is it about me that I am getting upset about?” A more inward focused question that can reap richer rewards. If you can sit with this question, and let the mind calm down (breathing helps), you may find that this incident is a reminder of something that happened a long time ago in your own life.

“Who does this person remind me of?” Another angle that can reveal the gift this person is giving you. Unearthing an old memory of another person can release stuffed energy, and provide an avenue for healing.

“What memory does this situation remind me of?” This question is focused more on the event, not on the person, and may be a more effective excavation method.

This and more questions can facilitate healing and transformation of your life for the better.

These answers are a powerful route to healing and ultimately to resolve this inner trigger, so when faced with the same situation, you will no longer react in upset. You will not be disempowered, nor will you be a victim. Instead you will be empowered and have a much larger capacity to live fully. Congratulations.

If you desire to learn how to stop being the victim, and how to take mastery of your own life, so you have more peace, more joy, and healthier relationships, we need to talk! Visit my site (http://www.barryselby.com), and register for my newsletter, and get informed of my next seminar. I am working with individuals and groups to assist them in having healthier and ultimately amazing relationships.

If, however, you would rather live a reactionary existence, being a pinball among the emotional flippers and bumpers of life, then go right ahead, enjoy yourself!

More later.

PB&J
Barry.

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The Art of Winning

Our family has had a lot of success in winning at contests. We have three main tips on winning more often. Use these ideas and expect to receive some neat prizes.

Enter often – when you bring your awareness to look for contests, they will start popping up everywhere! You can find all sorts of contests in the following areas: your local paper, in grocery stores, auto parts stores, magazines, and many more! Just start expecting to find them and they will magically appear.

Follow all the directions – many entries never make it to the final drawing because directions were not followed. Pay attention to all the details, especially the date, size of envelope and special instructions which may be a request to follow a theme or purpose for the contest.

Decorate your envelope – when you spice up and decorate your envelope, you are drawing special attention to your entry. Have your family make an art project out of your envelope. Have fun! Our kids add things that are adorable and that fit the theme of the contest.
Finally, think creatively and send your envelope with love and appreciation. Good luck!

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Dates

Children need to feel special, valued, loved and close to their parents. One way to meet all of their needs is to take your child on special dates. Parents are free from disruptions during this time, which allows you to learn a lot about what’s going on in your child’s life. Put your special date on the calendar and watch as their excitement grows for the upcoming day!

Guidelines for a successful date:

Pick a date and put it on the calendar together (do not cancel)
No siblings, spouses or friends allowed
Give limits and boundaries on how much money is spent and where you are willing to go, and how long the date will last
No hidden agendas about speaking to them about a problem
Be present and enjoy each others company

Here are just a few ideas for dates:

Go out to breakfast before school
Rescue them from their gross lunch at school and take them out
Go for an ice cream
Roller blade or bike to the park and pack a picnic lunch
Go on a hike at a nearby mountain
Go on a walk

Dates are a great way to re-establish with our children. Think creative; once in a while surprise them with an unannounced date! Recording your dates will help you keep track of how often you have taken them out. We highly suggest mom and dad go on dates with each other too!

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Generally, parents tend to give orders and commands. No one really likes to be ordered around. This is the fastest and least effective parenting technique used today.

Giving information provides your child with the opportunity to make a decision and then to respond. This is an effective style and allows your child to decide what to do with the information given. This teaches your child how to think instead of what to think.

Examples:
“The weatherman said it will be raining today.”
“The dog is hungry.”
“Your shoes are untied.”
“The gas gauge is low.”

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Business as usual is far less scary than making a leap into the unknown, a new way of being or doing things. Change is so hard that the current trend in corporate America is “change management.” When an employee faces major change, his productivity sharply declines, he misses work, becoming less effective and the company suffers. Every Fortune 500 company pumps hundreds of thousands of dollars per year into experts who help their employees deal with losing a loved one, accepting a management merger or even quitting smoking.

The techniques that change management experts espouse are the same methods used by those who have reinvented themselves. These methods are an important part of making New Year’s resolutions “take.” Using them, you can forge ahead into new territory without looking back. Five ways you can ensure that your New Year’s resolution is a lasting one are:

1. Embrace your pain. Every loss must be mourned, and when you alter things, you lose something, even if the change is positive. Prepare to grieve, and give yourself the space to do so. Bad habits usually cover a deeper pain that you haven’t dealt with. By releasing the habit, you must be willing to face the pain underneath.

Overeating is traditionally a method of “stuffing” feelings that we’re scared to express. Alcohol and drugs are often used as anesthetics masking deep,unexpressed suffering. Even a relationship, especially one you know is destructive, can be a way of avoiding deep feelings of being alone.

Pain, in and of itself, will not kill us. Allowing the tears to come, the suffering to surface without fighting it, is a tremendous release. It is an inextricable part of changing your life. The more that you go into your black hole of suffering, the quicker the pain will dissipate. When you’re in the throes of grieving, you can’t imagine this cloud ever lifting, but it will and sooner than you think.

Do not try to “cope” with this pain in any way, lest you substitute one bad habit for another. Do not fight it. Accept your suffering and allow it to be. Observe the ways in which your body reacts to pain. Does your heart physically ache? This is common. Do you experience gut wrenching sobbing in the shower?

Until your pain body — the buildup of emotions you’ve avoided for far too long — is dealt with in an unflinching manner, it will run you. Our unwillingness to deal with our anguish is the reason we have so many alcoholics and drug addicts in our society. Many are so busy trying to numb their pain that they miss out on living. By dealing with your hurt and the defenses (i.e. bad habits) that you’ve built to avoid it, you are embracing life. Rest assured that by finally acknowledging your pain, getting to the root of self-destructive habits, you will affect a change that is lasting and real.

2. Expect a period of emptiness. When you give up something or try a new behavior, there is a void created. If you decide to give up a relationship that you feel is draining, you may experience loneliness. Vowing to start an exercise regimen creates a powerful longing to plop back on the couch and reach for the remote. You miss the feeling of comfort that brought. Until the new way becomes familiar, expect to feel a bit lost. During this time, realize that the resulting vacuum is a wonderful thing. As you clear out old habits, places in your life that no longer work, you are creating a place for a higher path for yourself.

It’s lonely and unfamiliar, this new place. But you have put into effect a powerful force. Nothing but unprecedented good can come from leaving your bad ways behind. Trust this, and continue with your new behavior. The results will show up soon enough and will fill you with pride at your achievement.

3. Surrender. As obstacles occur, surrender to something greater than yourself. Studies have shown that most of us believe in a Higher Power, a universal force. As every twelve stepper knows, it is amazingly effective to surrender to this. When a destructive pattern is taking us over, it’s time to admit we can’t humanly overcome it on our own. Rather than exercise sheer willpower, which is sweat-inducing and stressful, open to the help of the universe. This can make change surprisingly easy.

The rule of thumb is: when it feels hard, take a moment to release and surrender to that that is greater than you. An element of grace kicks in and carries you through.

4. Concentrate on your vision of yourself. The single most effective way of sticking to your resolution is repeatedly returning to the image of the reinvented, new-and-improved you. Every time you have an urge to slip up, turn your thoughts to the vision you’ve created of yourself free of the old. Get familiar with what you look like in your new incarnation.

5. Face your fear of the unknown. Most harmful behavior comes from fear. When you can’t see what comes next, it’s easy to fall into self-destructive patterns to appease the awakened terror. There is a lapse between what I call a “breakthrough” and “embodiment.” It takes a while to master the new. Part of the journey to embodiment involves facing fears and even slipping up. When this occurs, don’t be defeated. Don’t say, “I screwed up again. I guess I’ll never overcome this habit.” Instead, accept this process as a journey and consider the slip a momentary lapse.

WHAT NOT TO DO:

- Don’t use delay tactics. You don’t need to explore why you picked up the bad habit or behavior ad nauseam. Finding out that your obesity comes from your mom’s clean plate rule during your youth is fine, but it doesn’t get you any closer to ending your overeating. Discovering the deep pain you experienced when your dad abandoned your family and exploring why this eventually caused you to start smoking can be helpful. But delving into your past can be a delay tactic.
Agape’s Rev. Michael Beckwith likens it to finding your alarm clock unplugged. You don’t spend time trying to discover who unplugged it, why it was unplugged and what it means. You just plug it in. Quit delaying and plug into being your highest self. Rather than make excuses, take this moment to begin living your resolution.

Bon voyage on this journey of transformation you’re embarking upon! One day not far into the future, you will look back and hardly believe how far you’ve come. When you set the intention to make this change, you gave it a life of its own. Stick with it, give it a chance to manifest, and it will.

Kathryn Alice
www.KathrynAlice.com
Author of: Love Will Find You

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Many people manifest their soulmate within seven days of my workshops. Why is this? The work opens something in them has impeded their progress toward love. Culled from the exercises we do in my love workshops, the following steps will help you to remove any blocks you have to love and open up to your One.

1. OPEN UP to the possibility that you have a soulmate out there somewhere, living and breathing right now. In this cynical society, it is easy to be a skeptic, to think that love is only for the lucky. This makes many singles feel desperate, and this energetic is not conducive to attracting your love. Change your thinking on this issue to open up to love. Begin affirming that you do have a soulmate, and that nothing can keep the two of you apart. Shield yourself from people or situations that might reawaken fear or desperation in you. My belief is that there is “lid for every pot,” a perfect mate for each one of us. Know that this is absolutely true for you, and that your intense desire for love is simply the energy that propels you into the arms of your One.

2. RELEASE negative beliefs and any old loves lurking about in your consciousness. Affirm that you do have a soulmate, one who is the love of your life and has everything that you want, even if you don’t imagine this person can possibly exist. Release any notion you have that you have to “settle,” and affirm that the two of you have crackling chemistry. Look around you, searching for the love stories you see, especially the unlikely ones. Accept that there are no limits in love and that you can have it all. Write an affirmation for yourself along the lines of, “My soulmate is coming to me even now. Nothing can keep us apart.”

If you are still hanging on to a past love, sure that this person is your One, you need to release this person energetically. Even if (s)he is your soulmate, the release is what will bring him or her to you. Every time you think of this person, release them anew and turn your thoughts to something else. Wean yourself from hanging on, as this may delay love for you.

3. MAKE TWO LISTS. Examine all of your old relationships. Determine what worked for you and what didn’t. From this, come up with a list of characteristics that your soulmate has and ones (s)he definitely doesn’t have. Also make note of the kind of relationship you want from past experience. If there are relationships that friends or family have that you admire, write down what you like about those relationships, knowing that you can have this for yourself in your own soulmate relationship. The second list should detail what you bring to the relationship. It is what you have to offer. This part is important for balance. If you are hard up for a clue as to what is desirable in you, start with nice things your friends have told you about yourself. Then, add to the list what past loves said drew them to you. You don’t have to be bound to these lists. They’re not meant to limit you, but instead to give you a better sense of what your soulmate and your relationship are like. This person is made for you and will fit very well with you.

4. SEND OUT A SOUL CALL ON THE INNER & OUTER. This is a critical step. First, send out an invitation on the inner through prayer or affirmation. Energetically invite this person into your life. Continue your soul call on the outer by ritualizing it with a positive action. Buy a card for him or her (yes, even before you’ve met), set up an extra nightstand, clear out a drawer in your home or declutter. You are making space on the inner & the outer through these means.

Revisit thoughts of your soulmate often. You may find yourself feeling him or her on the inner.

5. DATE DIFFERENTLY WITH HOPE & TOLERANCE. If you really hate dating, understand that your soulmate may very well “have a wreck in your yard.” I use this example to illustrate the fact that as you do the inner work, you don’t even have to try to meet anyone. I have a file full of examples of people who have met someone by staying home. However, if you date, do it differently. Learn to go out with no agenda. The chance to meet another human being, even for a brief moment, is precious. Listen more deeply to your dates, and seek to understand them. Don’t compromise yourself by doing anything you don’t want to, and by no means allow yourself to feel desperate or to be put in a desperate situation (singles gatherings can sometimes have this feel to them). Stay rooted through any dating you do in the fact that you have a soulmate living and breathing somewhere on this earth. Nothing will keep him or her from you, and so you have no reason to worry or sweat any individual date. As you date in a new way, this continues your energetic magnetizing of your soulmate.

These five steps have worked for thousands of people now married to their One, experiencing a relationship beyond what they could have imagined for themselves. This process of opening to your soulmate is not always easy, but it is well worth the journey.

Kathryn Alice
www.KathrynAlice.com
Author of “Love Will Find You”

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