Can This Marriage Be Saved?

“YES!”  Says Couples Therapist Stanlee Panelle Cox.  “I believe almost any relationship can be saved if a few things are in place”, she goes on to explain.  “Most often as a Therapist I see couples where one wants to “fix” the relationship while the other is just going along with it or doesn’t see anything wrong with it.” 

Therapists seem to agree that couples usually head for therapy as a last ditch effort when there’s no hope left.  That makes Couples Therapy very difficult and pretty much a losing proposition for most couples counselors. Could this be why divorce/dissolution rates are so high despite the huge number of Therapists available?  Couples that want to try Coaching tend to think traditional therapy isn’t for them because they just want to learn how to get along, communicate, end the boredom or reignite the excitement and passion they used to have. “It’s really just a difference of personal opinion about needing help that determines which type of helper they look for” Cox says “But then the mindset a person has when they enter into counseling is a big factor too, so if they believe they will get help and that the helper is able to help them- they will probably succeed.”

Cox says, “There really are a few key elements that when present in a relationship that seems to be failing or difficult, can make all the difference.  Relationship isn’t really all about liking the same things or being the same as or looking as good as when you first met.  It’s more about who each of you are now that will allow a professional to successfully help you save and restructure your relationship.”

Here are the six key elements that must be present when you go for couples counseling, according to Cox and additionally some alternate ways to seek help.(Not in any priority order - remember all 6 are usually needed.)

• Both partners want to fix, save or improve the relationship.
• Both individuals are willing to do the work required.
• Patience.  “It didn’t get this way overnight … it won’t likely be healed in one session - or even one predictable period of time.” Cox admonishes.
• Proximity.  “Ya gotta be in the same locale, folks” Cox chided with a smile, “Security is borne of safety and safety is borne of intimacy and that includes regular, frequent seeing, touching, smelling, impromptu sharing and interaction that can only be done when both parties stand on the same ground, physically.”
• Shared Life and Personal Values.
• Both partners sincerely desiring happiness and fulfillment for each other and themselves.

Some of the choices of helpers a couple has are: 1) A Psychotherapist specializing in Couples Counseling; 2) A Life Coach or Relationship Specialist Coach; 3) The Clergy of your mutually subscribed to religious community; 4) A Therapeutic Couples Group; 5) A Couples Encounter/Workshop/Retreat event.  “Depending on what the issues are and how determined the couple is in getting and using help, any of these may work” states Cox.  “I like Couples groups because they reduce the intensity of being watched as someone works on personal stuff and they surround couples with the compatible support of others doing the same work.  In my couples groups the intimate revelations and deep work take place in the privacy of the couple’s home, but in the weekly group meeting they can share results and challenges with others they know are dealing with similar stuff”. The thing that will matter most though - in addition to the 6 elements, of course - is knowing how to look for a helper Cox warns.

“A relationship helper should first and foremost be someone that both partners feel safe, heard, and acknowledged by.  If one partner feels uncomfortable or favored, or in any way less than relaxed and in good hands, the potential is very high for short and unsuccessful treatment.”  Cox went on to suggest that meeting with a helper for a brief, usually free consultation or assessment is the way to get a real feel for who might be the best fit for the issues and personalities involved.  Most professional helpers are glad to do this service because it is their true intent to actually help and if they are good at it, they will have gained the confidence and trust of a new client.  If there is a mis-fit of any kind, they can make an informed professional referral to a colleague who will surely do the same at some point, so a free consultation is win-win and fair to expect.  One very important thing to keep in mind when considering the options, is that although a licensed Therapist can do both therapy and coaching within their scope of competency and practice, a Life Coach is not trained or licensed to do therapy. That doesn’t mean that Coaching and other types of counsel are less-than or not as good, it just means that carefully looking for all the qualifiers and credentials is important when you trust someone to help you make major changes in your life.

Cox signed off saying “Remember… if we were meant to be alone, there wouldn’t be so many of us here!  Call me!  Together we can figure it out.”

Stanlee Panelle Cox, M.A., Marriage and Family Therapist Registered Intern provides Couples Counseling and Individual Psychotherapy at Morbrook Institute and Camarillo Health Care District in Camarillo under the Supervision of Lynn M. Jones, Ph.D.  She is currently taking applications for a limited space, Couple’s Enrichment Group based on Harville Hendrix’s Imago Short Term Couples Therapy and his book “Getting the Love You Want”.

You can find out more about what Couples Counselor Stanlee Cox recommends to couples looking for relationship counseling by contacting her on the web at www.LifeEmpoweringTherapy.com or by calling her at Morbrook Institute in Camarillo (805) 484-7868 or (805) 760-0134.  She will be happy to make recommendations or appointments for a free consultation on the subject.

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