Creating Peace in Relationships

Powerful suggestions for creating peace in our relationships, from certified life coach, Natalie Gray.

I’m so excited! It happened again! I got defensive with my husband and started a “war.” Too cool!

“But why is that cool?” you ask. Because any time I get to see where I create war instead of peace is really exciting to me.

I made a suggestion to my husband that he ignored. Can you imagine!? Not follow one of MY suggestions–my infinitely practical, amazingly logical, “I know what’s best for you” suggestions. And just like that, my defenses are up and all stations are prepared for battle!

I mean, after all, HE won’t listen to ME! He started it. He was being defensive against me. I was just trying to help (right?). He’s the one being arrogant, opinionated, and pigheaded! Isn’t he? Isn’t that how the story goes?

Whoa, Natalie! Not so fast. That might be my story, but that is not Reality. Reality shows me that my husband isn’t interested in my suggestion. My belief that he should be, which is contradicting Reality, is causing me stress and making me defensive. And in that moment, I become the attacker. The minute I defend MY position, I start the war. No defense, no war!

It’s those defensive, stressful thoughts that cause me to wage war that I’m interested in discovering. Because once I discover them, I can question them. I can create peace in my relationships, instead of war. For those of you who are interested in ending the war in your relationships, here are some practices I use to foster peace instead.

Love Yourself: This is truth with a capital “T.” You must love yourself, ALL of yourself, the good, the bad and the ugly. I love the part of me that gets defensive. I love the part of me that wants control. I’m fascinated by my behavior sometimes. “Oh, look at her; she thinks her husband HAS to listen to her. She thinks that he should do what she tells him to do. Isn’t that funny?” When I love and accept all of me, I am open to seeing the beliefs that cause me stress. If I can’t love and accept all of me, I will resist what I don’t like. This resistance is a form of defensiveness and it is the cause of war inside of me. A war that gets reflected in my relationships. No war inside; no war outside.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think: Question your stressful beliefs. Take your thoughts to inquiry. Until you do, you are at the mercy of those beliefs. If I believe the thought, “My hubby should listen to me,” I have no choice but to act on my belief that he should. I have no choice, because until I question it, I don’t see it as a belief, I see it as the truth.

With inquiry, however, I see that what I think is true isn’t. I see that my belief is actually opposed to the truth–the truth of what is–to Reality. My belief is that my husband should listen to me. Reality tells me that’s not so. How do I know? Because he ISN’T listening to me. I can either embrace Reality by being willing to see the truth, or I can oppose reality and suffer, suffer, suffer.

Will the thought cross my mind again? Probably. I don’t control what I think. But since I no longer believe the thought it can’t stress me out. Now I am amused by this silly thought. I am free to see the truth–he doesn’t listen to me–because I have no belief that it should be otherwise. I’m not at war with Reality. No war inside me, no war in my relationships.

Make Amends: If you truly want peace in your relationships, make amends. Leave your ego and righteousness behind and step into utter humility and gratitude. It’s a vulnerable, open, amazingly expansive place from which to live. And you do it entirely for yourself. No agenda. Making amends is not about telling your partner how they wronged you, but you’re going to forgive them. Making amends happens AFTER you do the work on your stressful beliefs, because then you realize that YOU were the problem in your relationship. Making amends is simply admitting that you know you that. You can make amends in many ways. I like to write a letter and read it to the person. The book I like to use on writing an amends letter is Byron Katie’s I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Do Nice Things for Others without Expecting Anything Back: One of the most awe-inspiring ways to promote peace is to do something nice for someone without anyone knowing you’ve done it, including the recipient. You don’t tell ANYONE what you’ve done. It’s amazing how much our egos want to be acknowledged for the good things we do. The practice of giving without expectation (of anything, including recognition or thanks) is a powerful way to experience humility. As you begin to give anonymously, you notice how much you are given, how amazingly rich your life is, how the whole of existence supports you (all of us) at every moment.

Finally, embrace peace; champion it; become its friend; study it; practice it. Create peace in yourself and you create peace in your relationships.

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